Revival of my soul

High school was always in or out. You were either in the popular groups, and people knew you, or you were out, considered irrelevant, and nobody knew you. I always felt out. No matter what activity I joined, no matter what photo I posted, I was always out. My mom always told me I would find myself in high school, but I never fully believed her until my senior year. 

Every year kept feeling like a blur: homework, work, finals, hours and hours of after-school activities, going to bed at one to two am. I didn’t feel like me, though; I just felt outside of my own body. At the end of my junior year, I realized I needed to change my story. I wanted to be Mary, the bubbly Mary with hobbies she loves, not the Mary who sits silently, waiting for things to come to her.

I made one of the boldest and, at first, questionable decisions of my life. I quit a sport I had done for 14 years to join an activity I had never tried, colorguard. At my first clinic, I walked in knowing nothing, and here I am 11 months later, knowing a few flag tosses and dance warmups, but mainly, confidence.

Of course, you already know that with everything you try, it will take practice to get better. You’re a beginner, and everything takes time. I had great practices, practices where I gained new skills and cheered with my friends. I also had horrible practices, practices where I got a black eye from dropping my flag or beating myself down, but it wasn’t those practices that defined me. The practices where I smiled every minute and felt so happy to be loved in a sport were the ones that made it all worth it. 

It is crazy to me how much can change in 11 months. In 11 months, my perspective on life and on school  was entirely different. For once in my life, I had friends who truly wanted me there. The friends that held an ice pack on my back when I was in pain, the friends that you share water and handwarmers with at football games, and friends that bring you up every practice, never down. No matter when I felt like crying or had a hard day, my 6-9 practice that night would be there waiting, and my problems were solved with endless smiles and laughter.

 To be loved is to grow. To be loved is to find yourself in the right environment, and I learned that environment for me was color guard. Every time I walked off the field or the floor we performed on, I didn’t pinpoint every mistake I made or feel insecure; I felt proud. I felt proud of myself for catching a new skill, for hearing the crowd clap for me, and because I didn’t feel lost anymore. I had been found. 

Once I was found, I knew that now, I could truly do anything.